I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i will never coherently bang her
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
