the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
