She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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