I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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