bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
