none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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