Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
