shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
