So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
