allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
