i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
