so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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