the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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