Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
