It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I enjoy the company of your penis
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
