You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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