I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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