angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
