Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
