a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
