my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
