Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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