I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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