Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I am mentally ready for anal.
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