You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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