I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Randomize
