So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
