Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
