I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
