Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
