Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I think i got beer on your cat.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
