my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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