I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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