Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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