dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
