I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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