He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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