Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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