my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
