He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
