It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
