if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
