Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
