You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
