running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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