So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
