hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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