There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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