I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm drive I can fine osifer
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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