I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
