I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
