why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize